In which I am utterly unimpressed with myself.

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In which I am utterly unimpressed with myself.

After Evie went to bed I tried something I hadn’t yet done with our living room. I turned off the lights, drew the curtains, lit a big candle, put on some Shearwater, poured a glass of wine and cracked open a new notebook in order to write my Mondo Beyondo list. The living room, thus far, has been all about light and air because I need them so much. I wasn’t sure if it would convert to 'cosy and nurturing'. It totally does. I got excited just thinking how it will be with the woodburner going. The whole atmosphere was so restorative, so peaceful, so ‘home’.

Anyway, the writing of the list was hard. Really hard. I found a lot of it revolved around my relationship with Evie and how I want to be as a mother, which I wasn’t really aiming for although naturally it wasn’t unexpected. And then, sigh, I suddenly started writing about something I wanted to do – creatively – and (god I could puke with the predictability) it’s kind of something new. I mean how often can I do this? How often can I have The Big Idea, not do it, then have another big idea. Of course, now my brain has locked onto it. I don’t know whether to trust it and the space and mood it sprang from, whether to try to integrate it with existing plans (that’s what I’m trying to do today) or just put it down to the feelgoods (the mood, not the band) and drop it. I simply don't have time to spare for anything else 'as well as'. So I think I’ll do another list that’s maybe a little more conscious and thought out. Before I go getting those business cards printed.

Sometimes I drive me absolutely crazy.

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In which I am utterly unimpressed with myself.