Where was
I? Sleep. Lack of etc.Thanks so much for your kind and supportive comments,
both on here and by email. We’ve been doing better. Evie has a little bed at
the side of ours and falls asleep most nights after 3 stories and a cuddle.
This is a huge improvement and clearly a lot of her problems are anxiety-based.
She was getting cuddles and stories before but in her own bed, in her own room
which is now on a different floor from ours. We have another couple of things
to add to the mix to help her stay asleep because that’s not happening yet and
maybe they’ll reward us all with some good nights.<o:p></o:p> But yes, it’s
way better. Evie is back to being her good sweet self most of the time and
that’s marvellous. Sadly I’m still crabby as hell by the afternoon but I’m
working on it.<o:p>
</o:p>
Sleep was my Mondo Beyondo List #2. Once I’d gone some way to achieving that particular dream I found I was thinking very differently about that original list. Although Andrea said, “Hey don’t you go changing that list and cutting stuff out!” of course I did. I already had. In fact, true to my ongoing ‘but I have everything I need’ thoughts, I wanted to discard the whole thing and just stop wanting and dreaming and thinking of what ifs and the future and alternatives and Other Lives. Good grief, I have a really nice life already. Why not simply enjoy that? Wasn’t all this just creating an atmosphere of dissatisfaction and want and the grass is always greenerness? And wasn’t it all just hideously self-indulgent anyway? Who has the time for all this self-absorption? I don’t. I just get frustrated and resentful because I have no time to think about myself. HA. Stop it and suddenly I’m happy. Magic!<o:p></o:p>
About this time Pij appeared. That’s Pij on the banner. A homing pigeon who had lost her way, been blown off course, or just got too tired to go on. She came to live on our little commune of three cottages for a while and I became obsessed. Obsessed I tell you. I was feeding her, watering her, watching her, trying to prove to her I was harmless. Despite being able to read her ring ID number, I couldn’t report her to the relevant association because they don’t want to know unless the bird is contained. I read stories of how stray homing pigeons are often culled because clearly they’re no good at their job. So Pij stayed free.<o:p></o:p>
While gazing out of our bedroom window across the roofs and waiting for Pij to come in to feed in our somewhat neglected and overgrown kitchen garden (the grass/weed cover had grown back and the cracks in the cobbles were also full of weeds again after my marathon clearing session a few weeks ago.) I suddenly saw what I wanted to do with the area. It’s only small but very lovely and has a 15’ x 8’ bed in it that was used as a veg patch. I told myself that I was unlikely ever actually to grow vegetables and if I did, I could do it on a patch in the manor’s walled kitchen garden. Instead I’d fence off the bed from the dogs and cat, fill it with beautiful plants for bees, butterflies and other garden life, keep (and add to?) the bird feeders out there and generally make it a little tiny patch of loveliness. The surrounding grass is improving as I keep it short; the cobbles and steps and wall are beautiful anyway and with some carefully arranged containers...nice. I worked hard for two or three days in unseasonably hot weather. It was glorious.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>I found myself sitting with Pij and seeing her visit as a sign. She’d got too tired to keep racing. She stopped in a restful, beautiful place and decided to stay a while. Get her strength up. She’d got lost on her journey and needed simply to stop, reassess and then head for home again. I began to think that this was what I was doing. Not giving up on the journey, just seeing clearly that the first step was to rest, relax and rediscover my bearings. She stayed for about two weeks and then disappeared. <o:p></o:p>
I’m still resting. I dream about Pij and about deer. Sitting like a statue while Pij ate at my feet and got her direction back. I associate deer with sitting in the woods; again quiet, still, hand extended, waiting for them to come to you. So that’s what I’m doing with my List O’Dreams. Sitting still. Waiting for it to come to me instead of chasing my tail the whole time looking for something I can’t name or identify. Being open to possibility including the one that says everything I need is already here.<o:p></o:p>
Meantime I’ve done the MB Core Values lesson. This gives you a quick, enjoyable and very doable way to identify your values are and from there, you can use them as an emotional/spiritual navigational aid. It sounds like an obvious thing that we do all the time but I think I’d lost touch. I came up with 5 words. No messing, no obsessing, just did it. They’re simple but powerful for me and already I’m looking at tasks, relationships and ideas with these values to the fore. I like it. <o:p></o:p>
Reading through the MB materials I found Jen and Andrea talking about stages. I’ve been following the MB path pretty closely it seems. I’ve dropped dreams, I’ve rebelled against the whole idea – mostly in fear (that’s a whole other post), I’ve learned the value of looking after myself and not pushing too hard to control what the Universe has available for me and I’ve mentally and physically made a clearing. Clearing is good.<o:p></o:p>
I just noticed that on the original MB List I wrote ‘create a beautiful garden’.<o:p></o:p>
Well, well, well.<o:p></o:p>
