A couple of weeks ago a friend and I were comparing memories of having our first reiki attunement. We agreed that one thing is almost guaranteed, your life is going to turn upside down.
In my case it wasn't pretty. It was 11 years ago and the friend I'd been sharing a house with (her house) for six years fell further into her alcoholism and got nasty. Twice she stood outside my room door in the night and threatened to kill me. She was holding a big knife at the time so I wasn't too happy. I took to sleeping in my clothes, shoes too, and twice legged it past her passed out body into the night with Nell under my arm. Then a couple of weeks later the PR firm I was working for was sold and we were unexpectedly made redundant overnight. Turned into work. Sent home. Home with the alcoholic.
Not long ago I started listening to Fabeku Fatunmise. Not content with feeling 'stuff shift', with seeing it rise like silt to my surface, one night I decided it might be a good idea to combine the soundtrack with a reiki self-treatment. Immediately that old inner voice said,"Woah there, you should know that if you do this it's a powerful combination. You do know this. You know this'll cause all sorts of crap to happen." I knew. I thought I was ready. I thought it would be cool.
It's not.
It's so not.
It seems that whether it's connected or not, I've hit the SAD wall at top speed. Actually that's wrong, not top speed, a crawl. I already had three flat tyres.
Charlie is not well and is struggling with his own stuff. We're trying to find a way forward with that and we will but it's not easy. Doable. Just not easy. And these short days take my strength and my energy and my motivation. As I lay in bed - on a work day - this morning I realised how much I have let everything slide. The house is a mess, my work is not getting as much attention as it should, my health isn't either. Our diet as a family has become 'convenient' but not nourishing in any way. My dogs aren't getting the exercise they need even at their advanced ages. My garden looks neglected even for this time of year. I'm not even blogging so it's not an interweb issue. Most importantly, the relationships between any permutation of our family of three are strained. Still filled with love, but strained. I see all this and all I want to do is crawl under a duvet and hide. There is too much to worry about. Too much at stake. Too much that I can't control or fix.
The meds I take to deal with my seasonal ups and downs are working but not as they should given that the strain is greater than normal. The lack of daylight and serotonin is playing havoc with my ageing hormones and I get weeks of PMS and killer migraines. And now stress headaches too. Woo hoo.
But this is not a poor me post. I have a doctor's appointment made. I'm going to be gentle on myself and my family and try to ease us back to health.
The holiday season is not far off and then I have 12 days without work. I have the new year to look forward to and it's looking like being a great one. I love the reassessing and reaffirming that comes at this time of year. I love xmas with my sweet girl who needs her mummy and daddy to be happy and strong.
I'm going to take a web break. Not because it's taking too much of my attention because it isn't. I just want a break and I've been sort of taking one anyway. I'm going to check my mail as little as possible. Try to stay away from everything else until January. I may change my mind next week but today I think not. Today I think it'll be fun to come back all fresh in three weeks.
Back to 1998...
I'm going to trust that this will happen again. Back when I was running scared at 2am I ran here to GC where we live now. My mother lived up here then and the manor and its grounds were my sanctuary. When I needed a new home I tramped around one of the estate fields with Nell, chanting affirmations that came absolutely true. I'm in the right place to make some magic happen for my family. And this time I know what I'm doing.
