Shapeshifting

When the sun shines

Full pictures here.

The Threadgoodes

Idgie

and

 
Ninny

Dip

The temperature has dropped again but I'm warming up for a fine weekend.

• Idgie and Ninny are coming home tomorrow. They may agree to a brief press conference.
• Today I bought many, many more pebbles. And varnish.
• We have Golden Rod to plant.
• I'll be thinking about this: "What isn't working in your life?" from a post at Pink Coyote and this: "Who would you be without your Story?" from a post at Your Courageous Life because I'm ready to do some more thinking and feeling around those things.
• I'm going to give a very sweet horse some reiki. If he feels like it.
• Charlie is going to continue to completely awesomise ((c) Susannah) his life and therefore, ours.
• I'm going to attempt to write myself a little manifesto.
• I'm volunteering, online, to do some exciting work with the wonderful Dogstar Foundation.
• I'll be watching the first episode of True Blood, Season 2.

Just add nachos and we're good.

A tale of two chickies

I went to visit the chooks today. There are four sisters and because four sounds a lot and I don't want to leave one alone, we're going to have two. These two (*bites fist in excitement*).

It's not a great picture I'll grant you but don't fret, there'll be many more once they come home.

Next favourite bit...the name game. I'm going to try to resist Comedy Name Syndrome but I'm not wanting traditional henny names either. Feel free to leave polite suggestions. I'm liking Idgy but Ruth doesn't seem right for a chook. Hmmmmm...

I also collected the two tier rabbit hutch from a Freecycler today. It needs a little patching up but I think it might well do as a fairly long term option for them. They can have a run attached to it and also free range when we're home.

I think they'll be happy to be here and we'll certainly be happy to have them.

Spring Festival

Did you have Spring yesterday? We did and it was gorgeous. Cold, sunny, dry, windless. The air smells of green, the pasture fields are filling with lambs and the crop fields are showing shoots.

I walked twice, once with dogs and once with family. I found strange pawprints along a bank of mud in one of the streams - could we have otters?!

Watching our neighbours' chickens, guinea fowl and ducks scratching around their garden reignited my poultry fantasies and now I have three young bantams waiting for me to build them a house so they can move in with us. It helps to have a smallholder in the family.

Charlie has appointments made with business advisors and we're ready to roll with setting up his website, online store and marketing materials for the guided walks he's going to be doing around our home patch and beyond. It's just one of a few pies he has his fingers in but we're very excited about its potential as is everyone who hears about it.

I am finding great pleasure and peace is to be had in places other than my head.

My inspiration for this coming week:

• A post by my dear friend Leonie Wise that she appears to have taken down but I'm hoping will PUT BACK UP AGAIN.(Yes Leoniewise, 'Imagine'. That one. I need it.)
• This Shearwater track in particular. The new album is out this week in the UK.
• Tracie's snow day.
• The Spring Festival, a new year that makes sense to me.
• My sage, muse, ancestor who I clearly see is all and none of those things. She is me and I just need to give her life. And some hair dye.

Happy Monday.

x

This is it. Promise.

I'm not quite done with the set up yet.

I'm still processing and most of it can and should stay in my head but some of it needs to be explained before things change here too.

Also there are things I can talk about now that I couldn't before.

Charlie has been home for nearly five months, I mentioned that. He was off work with stress-related depression. Twenty years ago he signed up to work for an airline as cabin crew because it meant he could go birding (birdwatching) all over the world for free. The job was so-so, he was promoted, conditions changed, blah blah blah and now the job is rubbish. Well-paid rubbish for those who signed contracts decades ago, but rubbish. Unbelievably stressful mentally and physically. Especially physically. Twenty years of jet lag is an evil thing.

But it has brought us a small amount of financial stability. Not a lot, but some. It has allowed me to work part-time through Evie's preschool years. It has allowed us to move here. And it's been living here that has led Charlie to a place where he can no longer spend seven months of the year in a plane or hotel. 'Right there in your back yard' etc etc.

These last few months have been very hard. For Charlie but also for Evie and me. For Evie, life changed enormously, hot on the heels of a house move and temporary reunion with her twin sister. For me, I came here to the place I love most of all - this healing, special place that nourishes me - and then believed we would lose it and everything we'd built.

I work things through inwardly and bide my time. I believe that things work out in the end and that sometimes you just have to put your head down, grit your teeth and get through the bad days but it got harder and harder to do as I sank into my usual winter blues. Yeah, we were The Happy Family.

Charlie sought help and got it and eventually it had an effect. He has risen to the huge challenge of sighting his dream life - the life he both deserves and has to have for his own health - and going after it. He has moved personal mountains and achieved great things. The path to this new life is now clear, if still quite long.

I have fought my own internal battles (always internal with me) and firmly believe it contributed to my weakened immune system and endless sickness and fatigue. But mostly I locked myself into position and tried really, really hard not to move (I am a Taurean after all). Fought with all my might to stay in my comfort zone where I had the freedom to float about a bit ...flitter ...dream ...procrastinate. Lucky me.

Finally now I think I'm learning the meaning of surrender. Give up that comfort zone and something more precious, vital and important will follow. Let go of my utter devotion to independence (that ironically allowed for financial dependence) and acknowledge that you are in nothing alone. You are never and can never be unchanged by the influences at work in the lives of the ones you love.

Am I making even the slightest amount of sense? It doesn't feel as if I am.

Here I am. Looking at a better, brighter, more meaningful future for our family than I imagined in our 3 Year Plan. Or maybe I imagined it but was so deep in the habit of not bringing things to reality that it never occurred to me that it might actually happen. Or that when it started to happen it would be difficult and painful and stressful and oh...by the way, freaking MAGICAL.

Because life is. Magical. And I've learnt that magic is an organic, messy, smelly thing sometimes. And it's viral.

Remember my crappy immune system? Uh huh, couldn't withstand the magic either. But it's changing me beyond my control. I have no say at the moment so I'm just letting the shapeshifting happen. I feel skins shedding and (this may be the week off and the sunshine speaking but I'll go with it) it's kind of exciting.

My name is Jo and I'm a control freak. I like to be in control of my surrender. Heh. And this time I can't be. I just read Ken Robinson's The Element and found that I think I know my element, but not my medium. Maybe I'm being led to that medium now. I hope so.

In the meantime, with regard to my last post, I'm getting started on decluttering myself.

Vegan breakfast.

And today's head-clearing exercise will be following the lead of Rachelle and Tracie and taking a long hard look at my online time. I not only spend too much time faffing about (and not all social networking is faffing, I remain a huge fan) but I also spend to much time comparing myself to others and feeling inadequate or distracted or influenced or wistful.

So I'm off to clear out Google Reader and Twitter. Not because of any disaffection for the people involved, but because if anything I love them a little bit too much.

That's my Friday. Thanks for reading. How's yours?

Still here

So where to start?

Here's the thing: Spring is coming and I'm getting all powered up with thoughts and ideas and about 10 days ago I thought to myself,"Hey, I should blog this on Shapeshifting."

Then we got hit with WinterMalaise.04

Or, more specifically, Evie did. Major growing pains at night - or Restless Leg (thanks for the tip on that Carrie) or something. No sleep for any of us. I'm talking awake until 4am.

In the fleeting moments where I had lucidity and space for thinking about something other than staying awake and/or holding down a job, the things I'd been mentally chewing on went supernova and suddenly I felt as if I had a whole book to write, forget the blog post. But can I get to it? No. Not yet. And I'm having to be alright with that. Maybe even - gasp - mentally edit down that book to a few good blog posts.

So...nothing on Evie's blog because she's been suffering and to add insult to injury I packed her off to nursery today, dressed in red and reciting 'Xin Nian Kuai Le' and it's not new year until NEXT week. Put another fiver in the therapy jar. Last Friday I got pulled aside by the nursery owner because Evie had said a (not very) rude word at Circle Time. This week it'll be because of Parental Cultural Idiocy. Wicked \m/.

I got The Weekly Bean up on Wag Bark Love but my plans for cranking things up there have gone the way of everything else this past week.

And yet, I feel inspired by the lighter afternoons, the snowdrops, the rediscovered life in Charlie's eyes after his personal long, dark Winter and, just yesterday, by standing deep in the magic of a pine wood.

The tall trees all whispering the same language, all singing the same ancestral songs that I could hear only inside my head reminded me that I am small, my life is small, my worries are small. But the strength to be found in connection with the natural world is vast.

And that's a good place to end. I'll pick up right here when I can. So much more to say.

Happy Friday (,Saturday and Sunday)

x

Cupcakes à la 4 year old

#dearUniverse

I can't remember who it was who started the idea that the Universe could be reached via Twitter - I think it was Sister Carrie - but the #dearUniverse hash tag has become very useful. And, y'know, why not?

So a while back I used both that and #puttingitoutthere to tweet that I was in need of a two seater sofa for the kitchen. Yesterday, such a sofa came up on our local Freecycle and the lovely Estelle agreed not only to let me have it, but to deliver. For free. Thank you Estelle and thank you Universe.

My tongue was just slightly in my cheek with my thanks to the U - even though the aforementioned Sister Carrie tweeted that the U showed enormous common/universal sense in not granting me the faux cream leather when I have a 4 year old and a cupboard full of marker pens. Instead we have a very attractive dark blue fabric. Nice. I decided to decide it was a gift to me from the U and accepted it gleefully.

This evening, after all was set up and cosy, we settled in the kitchen. The heater had been mysteriously turned off in the living room (it charges overnight and so won't be warm again until tomorrow) so for once, Charlie gritted his dog-loathing teeth and joined us downstairs. We have one room on each of four floors with a nice, big kitchen on the ground floor where the dogs live when they're not charging around fields.

For a while, he and Evie shared the sofa while he blogged and she chattered. I sat at the table and listened and helped draw SpongeBob and Patrick.

After she was safely tucked up in bed asleep I came back downstairs to the kitchen. I curled up on the new sofa with The Secret Life of Bees (which I finished and loved) and drifted off to the world of the Daughters of Mary.

Then at one point, possibly stopping to think about getting some chocolate from the fridge, I looked up and saw Charlie sitting on the floor next to the sofa, back against the heater, laptop on his outstretched legs. Between him and the sofa, near his feet, sat Jackson, either rapt in thoughts or zoned out (yep, the latter gets my vote too). On Charlie's other side, eyes fixed firmly on me, lay Nellie. As my eyes met hers she jumped up and lay on my feet.

This may not sound extraordinary to you but trust me, it was. My dog-loving ways are anathema to Charlie. He loathes the two (three if you count the cat, and you should) animals who have been with me for years longer than he has. Does not understand the love I feel for them. Avoids them as much as is possible.

It's okay. If he was a dog-lover I may have to kill him for being too perfect. Every mill needs its grist, right? As long as that grist doesn't hurt anyone, two-footed or four. I've got used to having the grand canyon wind its way through my heart with Charlie and the animals on separate sides. Evie flies between both with such grace and passion that it kind of heals the gash.

I don't expect it to become a regular occurrence. I doubt it will ever happen again, but for a moment there, I saw that the sofa really was a gift from the U. For a moment there, my life was perfect and how many people ever get to have that? 

Today I was given a dream evening at a time when I really needed it. Maybe the Universe, maybe a stranger's generosity, maybe both. I'll take it and go off to bed with a big smile on my face.

Happy Tuesday.

Pij

Where was I? Sleep. Lack of etc.Thanks so much for your kind and supportive comments, both on here and by email. We’ve been doing better. Evie has a little bed at the side of ours and falls asleep most nights after 3 stories and a cuddle. This is a huge improvement and clearly a lot of her problems are anxiety-based. She was getting cuddles and stories before but in her own bed, in her own room which is now on a different floor from ours. We have another couple of things to add to the mix to help her stay asleep because that’s not happening yet and maybe they’ll reward us all with some good nights. But yes, it’s way better. Evie is back to being her good sweet self most of the time and that’s marvellous. Sadly I’m still crabby as hell by the afternoon but I’m working on it.

Sleep was my Mondo Beyondo List #2. Once I’d gone some way to achieving that particular dream I found I was thinking very differently about that original list. Although Andrea said, “Hey don’t you go changing that list and cutting stuff out!” of course I did. I already had. In fact, true to my ongoing ‘but I have everything I need’ thoughts, I wanted to discard the whole thing and just stop wanting and dreaming and thinking of what ifs and the future and alternatives and Other Lives. Good grief, I have a really nice life already. Why not simply enjoy that? Wasn’t all this just creating an atmosphere of dissatisfaction and want and the grass is always greenerness? And wasn’t it all just hideously self-indulgent anyway? Who has the time for all this self-absorption? I don’t. I just get frustrated and resentful because I have no time to think about myself. HA. Stop it and suddenly I’m happy. Magic!

About this time Pij appeared. That’s Pij on the banner. A homing pigeon who had lost her way, been blown off course, or just got too tired to go on. She came to live on our little commune of three cottages for a while and I became obsessed. Obsessed I tell you. I was feeding her, watering her, watching her, trying to prove to her I was harmless. Despite being able to read her ring ID number, I couldn’t report her to the relevant association because they don’t want to know unless the bird is contained. I read stories of how stray homing pigeons are often culled because clearly they’re no good at their job. So Pij stayed free.

While gazing out of our bedroom window across the roofs and waiting for Pij to come in to feed in our somewhat neglected and overgrown kitchen garden (the grass/weed cover had grown back and the cracks in the cobbles were also full of weeds again after my marathon clearing session a few weeks ago.) I suddenly saw what I wanted to do with the area. It’s only small but very lovely and has a 15’ x 8’ bed in it that was used as a veg patch. I told myself that I was unlikely ever actually to grow vegetables and if I did, I could do it on a patch in the manor’s walled kitchen garden. Instead I’d fence off the bed from the dogs and cat, fill it with beautiful plants for bees, butterflies and other garden life, keep (and add to?) the bird feeders out there and generally make it a little tiny patch of loveliness. The surrounding grass is improving as I keep it short; the cobbles and steps and wall are beautiful anyway and with some carefully arranged containers...nice. I worked hard for two or three days in unseasonably hot weather. It was glorious.

I found myself sitting with Pij and seeing her visit as a sign. She’d got too tired to keep racing. She stopped in a restful, beautiful place and decided to stay a while. Get her strength up. She’d got lost on her journey and needed simply to stop, reassess and then head for home again. I began to think that this was what I was doing. Not giving up on the journey, just seeing clearly that the first step was to rest, relax and rediscover my bearings. She stayed for about two weeks and then disappeared.

I’m still resting. I dream about Pij and about deer. Sitting like a statue while Pij ate at my feet and got her direction back. I associate deer with sitting in the woods; again quiet, still, hand extended, waiting for them to come to you. So that’s what I’m doing with my List O’Dreams. Sitting still. Waiting for it to come to me instead of chasing my tail the whole time looking for something I can’t name or identify. Being open to possibility including the one that says everything I need is already here.

Meantime I’ve done the MB Core Values lesson. This gives you a quick, enjoyable and very doable way to identify your values are and from there, you can use them as an emotional/spiritual navigational aid. It sounds like an obvious thing that we do all the time but I think I’d lost touch. I came up with 5 words. No messing, no obsessing, just did it. They’re simple but powerful for me and already I’m looking at tasks, relationships and ideas with these values to the fore. I like it.

Reading through the MB materials I found Jen and Andrea talking about stages. I’ve been following the MB path pretty closely it seems. I’ve dropped dreams, I’ve rebelled against the whole idea – mostly in fear (that’s a whole other post), I’ve learned the value of looking after myself and not pushing too hard to control what the Universe has available for me and I’ve mentally and physically made a clearing. Clearing is good.

I just noticed that on the original MB List I wrote ‘create a beautiful garden’.

Well, well, well.