shapeshifting

I'm taking some time to be still. To slowly process the stuff that has happened and is happening to us. To find a way forward by listening not pushing. Too tired to push. It's a good practice and it's working. Slowly. We've moved on to one step forward and only one step back at least for a while. I am anxious and stressed and oh jesus h christ I miss Casey so much that it's a constant wound in my heart. But I know I have so much to be grateful for and so little to grumble about really.

To prove it, yesterday I was lovebombed by the sweetest of women.

From @SasLockey came sweet potions for my ritual of bathtime meditation and seeking of guidance. Perfect and so typical of her loving and practical self. Thank you Sas xx

From @mckinleyrodgers came The Wishing Year, a book I read some years ago when life was quite different and now...as soon as I saw it I knew that now is the perfect time for me to read it again. Perfect. Thank you Pen xx

From @creatingwings came Shamanic Reiki, a book that's been sitting in my wishlist for a long time. I read half of it last night and it's with me here now. Awesome, just awesome. And wait...the healing methods they describe...THAT'S WHAT I DO! Perfect. Thank you Meg xx

From @chestnutsfarm came an Amazon gift certificate. She knows I'd've spent cash on petrol or food. She knows that I usually have something bizarre that I really neeeeeeed right now. She knows me better than about anyone. She knows the freedom of choice is gold to me. She knows I now have - delivered today! - a desk easel and a hard copy of Do The Work. Perfect. Thank you Jackie xx

From @postcardsfrom came a tantalising email clue and some words that prove she sees in me what I am almost always afraid to see. Perfect. Thank you Leonie xx

From all my peeps and tweeps came such kind, sweet words for my birthday on Tuesday that I was overwhelmed. In a good way. My heart closed when Casey died. Not permanently but it needed to curl up and heal. You all helped speed that healing a millionfold.

I have some quiet but powerful wishes inside me for this next year. So powerful they're struggling to be contained. I feel, foolishly, that I have to get my ducks (chickens?) in a row before I hit the big Hawaii Five-O in two years. I mean WTF? How did that come around so fast? Still, I always did work well under pressure. I guess it just took more pressure than I could've imagined in order to get me to work. Yup.

Another long weekend for us this week: royal wedding and May bank holiday. The sun is here and I'm wishing for it to stay.

Enjoy yourselves this weekend.

x

This weekend was brought to us by potato printing and branch weaving. Evie wasn't feeling 100% but she managed to bake some Play-Doh and print with some potatoes. I'd hoped she'd do some making of patterns and be all inspired but she's so tired bless her. I ended up doing the carving while she painted and stamped and had way more fun doing the washing up before retiring to the sofa to crash out. The child needs some sleep.

On a mission for supplies, I brought home these branches to try my hand at weaving on them. I particularly love the smaller ones with the beautiful lichen but, as I wove happily away last night, watching the increasingly dark Being Human out of one eye, I found that most of that lichen ended up in my lap. This is how we learn.

It felt good to be making something. Once I've had a practice run I want to weave something beautiful for the wall. Just because.

x

Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.

~ William Morris

This quote is so well-known I hardly need to write it out. I could have just referenced it and you'd all have been nodding your heads but what the heck...I like the look of it. And it's useful. Double whammy on the Morrisometer.

It kept coming into my head yesterday as I thought more about my posts this week and even more about your great responses. I thought about how this theory applies to life and how encompassing the terms 'useful' and 'beautiful' can be.

For example...my constant bitching to myself about how I need more time to do what I want and how I'm useless and disorganised and lazy and effing endlessly interrupted...is that beautiful? I'll tell you now, it's UGLY. Is it useful? Oh don't make me laugh; it's a downward spiral into the legendary Vortex of Suck and it makes nothing better. It inspires only worse feelings.

I'm not going to rehash the details here - it seems many of you know where I'm coming from anyway - but yesterday evening I thought,"That's it. It stops. If I want to do something positive for me and my family I need to forget about making a few quid online (and never doing it) and focus on the quality of our lives. If anyone knows that this is not about money, it's me."

That's a beautiful concept. That's a useful concept.

I'm also loving the comments made by Jennlui and Tracie about 'tiny' work and tiny chances to work. As I've said, I'm not good at that. I like to zone out and drift but maybe I just need to give the tiny idea a go. No pressure. I'm all about the no pressure now. I get enough pressure elsewhere.

I want to do something for the love of it.

This exact time last year: sunshine, barefeet, chalk & water painting on the well cover. That would be nice this weekend.

x

I'm finding so much inspiration online. Thanks to lovely links posted by friends and of course, Pinterest, I'm adding fresh faces to my Google Reader and so enjoying what they share.

Here are just four:

The extraordinarily creative Jennlui at A Trinket Treasury.

Margaret's beautiful creations at Resurrection Fern.

Jude makes true magic at Spirit Cloth. I am mesmerised in the very best way.

Everything Melissa touches turns lovely at Tiny Happy.

Have you found any new places to enjoy lately?

x

This week I guest-posted over at Susannah's blog. I was honoured to spend time there for the day and adored the polaroid she chose to sit alongside my words and picture - how perfect was that?

A few people got in touch to say they'd love a copy of the licence in my story and so I'm working on getting a download ready to put on here, then you can help yourselves.

There's lots going on this week: old job, new new job, old new job that is stalling, new etsy store, new projects to think about. On a bad day it feels a bit like a ticking bomb but on the good days - and there are more and more of them - it feels like the return of the sun. One more month and Spring comes back to this part of the world.

Out walking, I can feel the plants beginning to stretch and yawn. Birds are starting to busy themselves in readiness for new families. Even domestic birds. Having been responsible for the ruthless bullying of Mr Xanthe when he arrived as a young bird, Idgie Threadgoode has decided that now he's all growed-up, he's actually rather handsome. I have to agree; he has a fabulous tail and long, silky feathers that fall from his head like a mane. So Mr X and Idgie spend all their time together. They dust bath together, they roost snugged up together at night, they feed together. Meanwhile poor Ninny is spending an increasing amount of time wandering around the garden on her own. The three of them still spend most of the day together but the dynamic has really changed. I need to take some photographs.

In the meantime, to show I really am thinking about it, my doodlings:

Well it's 11 months since I wrote this post and finally, with pounding heart and more adrenalin than can be healthy, I am ready to launch the Shapeshifting etsy store.

It's a small affair to start with but has huge significance in my life and I believe that with this first step taken, I'll be walking this path more often during the coming year.

* do ya see what I did there?

Tracie sent me this pointing out that it was Charlie and me. Hee. Back when we were young.