shapeshifting

The rain here is a good thing. We miss the hot summer days that visited in May but here we are on a grey day with rain pouring down and it's a good thing. The south-east's farmers are operating under drought conditions and here in the west we've had the driest spring in a long time. Wind and rain are not friends to chickens but my little brood have lots of shelter in their henhouse and hedges, the greenhouse and, most often, in the porch by the front door where they sit and grumble for hours on end. Idgie has been broody for about two months, causing huge problems for the other girls but this morning she got out of bed of her own accord. Maybe she likes the cooler weather. Or it makes her nesting spot less attractive.

 

 

Forward motion

• I got three clear nights of good sleep and it made a huge difference. Years of sleep deprivation, never really recouped, take their toll and turn me into a bear in dire need of a hibernation cave. I need to pay more attention to this.
• We started making big glasses of fresh green juice in the morning and I swear an effect is instant. Obviously the big things change more slowly but my body felt as parched as our garden before this rain and soaked up the goodness with a sigh of relief and pleasure.
• There's an Anusara yoga studio in the town where I work and I went with a friend from the office to the first of five introductory lessons. Loved it. The teacher is wonderful; the studio is new, beautiful and rich in nag champa, chants and chai for all. I came away stretched, challenged and filled with an inner heat I haven't felt since I was attuned to Reiki. Channels were opened, dude.
• Friends did me proud this week and I drew great pleasure from realising just how many amazing women I know who are happy to pull me back up onto my feet when I'm in a crumbled heap even as they face their own struggles. I love you.
• Fabric-shopping for my sewing commission - felt pots - was fascinating and convinced me that in some cases, vintage and repurposing is by far the best option. Ack, the prices. Felt I'll buy new but for the rest I'll go with off-cuts sold in bundles and great material found in secondhand stores.
• Talking of which, as our little cottage home overflows with my finds I've decided to put my eye to good use and start an online vintage store. I could stock it twice over right now and as soon as I have some good photos, I will.
• Finally, in the shallow department, I dug out my old hair straighteners and put them to work. My growing-out hair had reached the stage where the only respectable option was a big woolly hat and it's June so that's a problem in itself. I love how straighteners can add an inch to your hair and make it look..er..better. At least when you have hair that is not straight, not wavy, not curly, just a bit warped in places with a tendency to develop 'mushroom head' (no, that's not me).

So. There. A hard week turned out well after all and I ticked boxes on five out of six of the Project Me boxes. And seeing as I signed at least three petitions I suppose I can half tick that last one too.

Okay next week, bring it on. But if you could be dry on Tuesday morning so I can work outside then that'd be awesome. Kthxbai.

x

 

 

 

 

 

I haven't blogged in two weeks. February is racing through with me gasping for breath behind it!

My online time has been limited to the stuff I can do with one eye on the screen and one on something else. Twitter and Pinterest are my bestest of friends right now and oh, how I love them.

My etsy orders are all up to date at last and I've listed some new little plates. I have a new idea for some special magic to add to the store but I think I have to wait until March before I'll have time to make it real. I've also learnt...have things ready before you list them.

I've also found that Reiki and I are supposed to work together for people as well as animals. In my spare minutes I've been playing with my 'front page' to reflect this change. Early days yet but I want to add much more as time goes on. The first step is to get out there and do it. Cash flow dictates my timetable with bigger projects so I have a portable couch and my insurance to cover before I'm really out there, but this will happen.

My extra day's work a week - with the Beagles of Lurve - is wonderful. It feels good to be outside doing the kennel work, keeping my body working hard while my brain takes the chance to get stuff in order. The second half of my time there is spent bathing and grooming and yes, okay, cuddling these lovely dogs. I finish, I run a couple of errands and then it's Evie's home time. The change in days I work at the office has thrown us all a bit and the question,"Wait...what day is it?" is bounced around the desks while we adjust. New rhythm is settling in though.

Through these minor changes Evie has been my priority. She's suddenly grown up a lot and with that development have come big questions about China and her birth family. Her understanding of her story has deepened - she's been told an age appropriate version of it since before she could talk -and with it has come a wave of grief. I'm not going to write about her feelings here but I can tell you mine were shaken when - as she sobbed and I rocked her to an "it's okay darling, it's okay" mamamantra - she looked at me and wailed,"But it's NOT okay Mum...its NOT okay." And no, it's not. So she reminded me of the underlying truth of our family, easily forgotten during these early innocent years, that adoption is built on profound loss. Adoption following (possibly enforced) abandonment...oy. Time for me to dust off my adoptive parent certificate (oh if only) and remember the full width of this path that we've chosen (and that she hasn't). I know our bond is strong and I think we've built strong, loving foundations around that original loss. I have healing tools that I can add to the mix and this, here in our own home, will be where they will be called on most.

Charlie spent a few days in Spain this month on a blogging gig that - I could feel his pain - also involved a large amount of birding. and just as his feet hit the ground he's off next week for two days training on a new fundraising job for the RSPB. It's half-term week so Evie has no school, Auntie has a new full-time job, Nana is not too well and already booked up with the cousins and we've been caught on the hop a bit. I foresee a bit of work-experience in charity marketing for a certain five year old. Thank goodness for an old-hippy-workplace.

So. Yes. Life! I feel as if I've been shifted into second gear after months of grinding along in first. I've found endless strength and support in Reiki, journey work, nature, family and friends to whom I owe many emails. I have so much that is precious in my life and looking after those things takes time and energy that sometimes perhaps I'd rather spend on something more about me-me-me and my personal path. Yes, life could be easier but it would be infinitely poorer too. These are the lessons for an introvert.

Are you as ready for Spring as I am?

x

I'm in the habit of listening to things as I fall asleep at night. To simply relax and drift off I have the EquiSync Enlightenment. For Reiki I use Reiki Evolution meditations for self-treatment or distant healing (it's not necessary to have guidance but I find it helps me focus sometimes), and for just moving stuff out of a rut I vibe out to Fabeku's Remembering Through Resonance, an old favourite of mine.

So last night I'm away with the Singing Bowls of Awesome and easing myself out of the 'Oh god tomorrow's Monday what should I have got ready that I didn't get ready will I have time to do it in the morning crap I don't have any petrol in the car there's only a fiver in my account...' spiral. Yeah, that's the one. You know it?

I thought, for the gzillionth time,"What would I do if I really didn't have to worry about money? If I was so rich I could do whatever I wanted?" and I'll admit, I expected the same old mix of 'Save The World' and 'F*** Knows' to show up. But it didn't. Instead I started to see a huge wooden building in my garden - I say huge, I mean bigger than our little greenhouse which is titchy. It was white inside and out, big windows, full of light. Inside there was workspace to follow whatever creative whim came into my head: paint, pencil, crafting, words, animation, sewing... Whatever I felt like trying out, I could just move around this studio and find a space to do it. The endless ideas I have flowing through my head would not end up in the universal recycling bin but might actually get tried even if they were never finished. The studio was messy but not cluttered. Organised and yet not. The sun was shining and the dogs were asleep on rag rugs, soaking up the warmth. Clearest of all was the space in my head - there was an absence of pressure. Pressure to pay the rent, feed us, settle the water bill, tax the car, get Jackson's teeth checked, stay in credit, buy school shoes for Evie...money money money. Pressure. Have I mentioned my migraines?

The pressure wasn't there. There was light. And it was light. And in it I could so so many things.

So my next thought was,"I'm never going to have that kind of money." And no, let's be honest, I'm not. For all I believe in magic, I also believe that I'm never going to be a millionaire. Any more than I'm going to be a dancer on a  Madonna tour or set up an elephant sanctuary or adopt from China again. Ain't gonna happen.

And my next thought was,"What if you could be self-supporting doing that work? What if, you didn't have some mysterious external income allowing you that space BUT, it did pay for itself and the rest so that the pressure was removed another way. That, my friend, is possible. A way off...but possible. Kinda."

And that vision, as the singing bowls sang, was etched on my heart.

No doubt as the fairy dust settles I'll settle too. Somewhere in the middle with my brain pointing out that artists probably have more financial pressure to deal with than your average desk jockey. That in the absence of a lottery win I would need to have A Business. That I'm almost 48 with a five year old child and three part-time jobs.

Still - as I look forward to having five days at home in which to finish off outstanding etsy orders and list new bits and organise myself -I'm sensing that some of that vision is closer than I'd thought.

Here's to daydreams and singing bowls.

x

Have I mentioned my Pinterest addiction today?

*Name the film and character and I'll love you forever.

This week I guest-posted over at Susannah's blog. I was honoured to spend time there for the day and adored the polaroid she chose to sit alongside my words and picture - how perfect was that?

A few people got in touch to say they'd love a copy of the licence in my story and so I'm working on getting a download ready to put on here, then you can help yourselves.

There's lots going on this week: old job, new new job, old new job that is stalling, new etsy store, new projects to think about. On a bad day it feels a bit like a ticking bomb but on the good days - and there are more and more of them - it feels like the return of the sun. One more month and Spring comes back to this part of the world.

Out walking, I can feel the plants beginning to stretch and yawn. Birds are starting to busy themselves in readiness for new families. Even domestic birds. Having been responsible for the ruthless bullying of Mr Xanthe when he arrived as a young bird, Idgie Threadgoode has decided that now he's all growed-up, he's actually rather handsome. I have to agree; he has a fabulous tail and long, silky feathers that fall from his head like a mane. So Mr X and Idgie spend all their time together. They dust bath together, they roost snugged up together at night, they feed together. Meanwhile poor Ninny is spending an increasing amount of time wandering around the garden on her own. The three of them still spend most of the day together but the dynamic has really changed. I need to take some photographs.

In the meantime, to show I really am thinking about it, my doodlings:

Well it's 11 months since I wrote this post and finally, with pounding heart and more adrenalin than can be healthy, I am ready to launch the Shapeshifting etsy store.

It's a small affair to start with but has huge significance in my life and I believe that with this first step taken, I'll be walking this path more often during the coming year.

* do ya see what I did there?