shapeshifting

I'm taking some time to be still. To slowly process the stuff that has happened and is happening to us. To find a way forward by listening not pushing. Too tired to push. It's a good practice and it's working. Slowly. We've moved on to one step forward and only one step back at least for a while. I am anxious and stressed and oh jesus h christ I miss Casey so much that it's a constant wound in my heart. But I know I have so much to be grateful for and so little to grumble about really.

To prove it, yesterday I was lovebombed by the sweetest of women.

From @SasLockey came sweet potions for my ritual of bathtime meditation and seeking of guidance. Perfect and so typical of her loving and practical self. Thank you Sas xx

From @mckinleyrodgers came The Wishing Year, a book I read some years ago when life was quite different and now...as soon as I saw it I knew that now is the perfect time for me to read it again. Perfect. Thank you Pen xx

From @creatingwings came Shamanic Reiki, a book that's been sitting in my wishlist for a long time. I read half of it last night and it's with me here now. Awesome, just awesome. And wait...the healing methods they describe...THAT'S WHAT I DO! Perfect. Thank you Meg xx

From @chestnutsfarm came an Amazon gift certificate. She knows I'd've spent cash on petrol or food. She knows that I usually have something bizarre that I really neeeeeeed right now. She knows me better than about anyone. She knows the freedom of choice is gold to me. She knows I now have - delivered today! - a desk easel and a hard copy of Do The Work. Perfect. Thank you Jackie xx

From @postcardsfrom came a tantalising email clue and some words that prove she sees in me what I am almost always afraid to see. Perfect. Thank you Leonie xx

From all my peeps and tweeps came such kind, sweet words for my birthday on Tuesday that I was overwhelmed. In a good way. My heart closed when Casey died. Not permanently but it needed to curl up and heal. You all helped speed that healing a millionfold.

I have some quiet but powerful wishes inside me for this next year. So powerful they're struggling to be contained. I feel, foolishly, that I have to get my ducks (chickens?) in a row before I hit the big Hawaii Five-O in two years. I mean WTF? How did that come around so fast? Still, I always did work well under pressure. I guess it just took more pressure than I could've imagined in order to get me to work. Yup.

Another long weekend for us this week: royal wedding and May bank holiday. The sun is here and I'm wishing for it to stay.

Enjoy yourselves this weekend.

x

When, hot on Christchurch's exhausted heels, came the Japanese earthquake and tsunami, the daily details of my life seemed trivial.

It sounded so trite to talk of human spirit and positivity and I winced at tweets and status updates and blog posts (including mine) about pretty stuff and meals eaten and the ever-expanding mass of How To Be Awesome Because You're Not Now e-courses.

Then I got my head out of my backside.

One thing I've learned from the less easy parts of my history is that we all deal in our own way. We each have our role to play in a dark time and thankfully, some of us are light-carriers; the ones who sensitively and with much love, ease us forward into moments of levity and flight.

Having remembered this, I was overwhelmed with appreciation for a) the light-carriers around me and b) my own ability to carry a torch for life. The little things may not appear to matter some days - and of course there are bigger priorities at times - but they do matter. They are the tiny steps that build a path to better times, to the future. And besides, I may feel sympathy and compassion but how exactly has my life been affected by these disasters? It hasn't. I'm lucky and it's supremely tasteless to wallow in another's pain.

So...to this future...I have another job to add to my portfolio. Back in November I interviewed for, and got, what seemed to be an ideal job for me. They told me that the work probably wouldn't start until Christmas but the job seemed worth it. So here we are in mid-March...nothing. Not even an email to say,"Sorry this has happened." I've chased them a few times and got fluffy, empty responses but I'm not doing it anymore. Let's leave that there shall we?

In the meantime of course I've been Beagling. I replied to an advert in my local paper that offered work with dogs. I found out later that the day I called was the day their owner died unexpectedly. I found out even later what an extraordinary woman she was (read the second part). Her dogs are wonderful and I love them; her husband and son are great people. Working with the Beagles reminded me how I love to be physically busy and how everything is better when there's a dog involved. So this week I emailed a company who do dog-walking, dog day-care, pet-visiting and so on. Their regional organiser came to see me yesterday and despite having CaseyCat do his usual "I will seduce you by head-butting your face again and again and again and then I will sit on your paperwork and dribble" routine, she offered me a job. A job I can do whenever I have time. I can keep my deskjob three days a week, and the Beagling, and do this other stuff on my days off. Apparently demand is high at weekends.

I will get to be outdoors and busy and with dogs and paid and we will get to stay clear of the Poorhouse. I'd toyed with the idea of doing this kind of work for myself a while back but seriously, in this situation the company takes care of all the admin and the booking and the insurance and the terms and conditions and contracts and security and advertising and marketing (although I can be paid to plug us too if I so wish) and I still make pretty much what I'd've been able to charge as a one woman start-up. I figure I can do it through the spring and summer and come the wetter, muddier, colder months, if I lose my enthusiasm I can find something else. But I think I'll probably just keep going if the work is there.

I have paperwork to complete and a client waiting already. Perfect for a terrier lover like me.

This has happened since I decided to back off and let me be me. Stop trying so hard. Just 'let the soft animal of [my] body love what it loves'. In the days since, I have been happier, more creative, more at peace than I have been in a long time.

So that's my little bit of light for today. What's brightening your day?

x

Thank you all for diving in on my rant yesterday; it seems I am not alone! I do hope I didn't come across as ungrateful. I'm profoundly aware of how good a life I have with my home, my family (need I add that I include 2 and 4-legged members?), my life in nature that nourishes me. I love and deeply appreciate their presence in my life.

There is a part of me that is unfulfilled and becoming increasingly stroppy about it. I swing between feeling guilty for wanting (even) more and feeling guilty for feeling guilty for wanting (even) more. Why shouldn't I want more? Because I have so much already. But why shouldn't I want more? Because...yadda yadda yadda. Dizzy.

Yesterday afternoon we got some sunshine and I went out with Nell and Jackson. We walked down a long narrow-ish field towards the Withy Bed, the old local name for the willow copse. In the field above us, farmers were turning over the earth and spreading manure, a practice that always brings in the birds. Where there are small birds there are bigger birds and when there are thermals, those bigger birds will be buzzards.

This picture of a Chalfield buzzard (maybe even one of those I saw yesterday) was taken by Charlie.

I once thought I'd seen five together, usually the most would be three at once, but yesterday there were nine. NINE. Possibly even ten. All soaring on the warm air in a bright blue sky, distinctive calls ringing across the fields. Pure magic.

We walked back along towards home and as I got to the gate - some distance from where I'd stood and watched the birds - I noticed one had followed us. I stood and looked up as it came closer and closer before circling a while over my head. It clearly took a good long look and then flew off. I've never been so close to one of these beautiful birds before.

Looking up the symbolism of the buzzard it became clear that there is a difference between UK and US terminology. In the US a buzzard is usually included with vultures; here it's a hawk. So I focussed on hawks and found this:

Intuitive ability to discern the message and seek the truth is one of Hawk’s powers that he imparts to humans. He teaches people to provide for self and family. Another lesson is to be observant and pay attention to what might be overlooked, possibly a talent unused, a blessing for which gratitude hasn’t been given or a message from spirit. He teaches people they must be awake and aware. Hawk’s medicine helps people to know how to interpret messages from spirit by bestowing upon them a higher perspective so they can see details of the bigger picture. He cautions humans to times when not to take action because they don’t have all of the information we need yet.

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be” ~ Lao Tzu

Today I am grateful for:

• My family. Near and far, sane and crazy, four and two-legged.
• Alisa.
• Zolmitriptan.

Today I am grateful for:

• my camera
• my home
• my Sunshine