shapeshifting

Valerian in known for its calming properties, soothing anxiety and balancing moods. We have a lot of valerian growng in our garden and I can verify that I never feel anything but calm out there. Of course we also regularly have seven Jimley Jackdaws on the bird table, a bunch of silly chickens, sunbathing dogs and a small child showing an unreasonable amount of talent at kicking a ball. What's to worry about?

Chicka meets Idgie and Ninny at their front door.

See the beautiful blue/greens? Chicka likes to perch. They're perchers, this family.

MeiMei - always moving. Little Brown Hen. Sweetie.

The Flag of Chicken Nation from an original design by Evie.

Sweet MeiMei lays blue eggs. This was her first one for us.

Late afternoon. Horses in the field = Nell on a lead. #herder

I look at this and a sob explodes in my heart. Is he not perfect and wild and beautiful still?

Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.

~ William Morris

This quote is so well-known I hardly need to write it out. I could have just referenced it and you'd all have been nodding your heads but what the heck...I like the look of it. And it's useful. Double whammy on the Morrisometer.

It kept coming into my head yesterday as I thought more about my posts this week and even more about your great responses. I thought about how this theory applies to life and how encompassing the terms 'useful' and 'beautiful' can be.

For example...my constant bitching to myself about how I need more time to do what I want and how I'm useless and disorganised and lazy and effing endlessly interrupted...is that beautiful? I'll tell you now, it's UGLY. Is it useful? Oh don't make me laugh; it's a downward spiral into the legendary Vortex of Suck and it makes nothing better. It inspires only worse feelings.

I'm not going to rehash the details here - it seems many of you know where I'm coming from anyway - but yesterday evening I thought,"That's it. It stops. If I want to do something positive for me and my family I need to forget about making a few quid online (and never doing it) and focus on the quality of our lives. If anyone knows that this is not about money, it's me."

That's a beautiful concept. That's a useful concept.

I'm also loving the comments made by Jennlui and Tracie about 'tiny' work and tiny chances to work. As I've said, I'm not good at that. I like to zone out and drift but maybe I just need to give the tiny idea a go. No pressure. I'm all about the no pressure now. I get enough pressure elsewhere.

I want to do something for the love of it.

This exact time last year: sunshine, barefeet, chalk & water painting on the well cover. That would be nice this weekend.

x

JAJ Pyrex, 1960s Chelsea design, 3 dinner plates, gravy boat & saucer, 6 cereal bowls £3.00.

I heart bargain shopping.

I haven't blogged in two weeks. February is racing through with me gasping for breath behind it!

My online time has been limited to the stuff I can do with one eye on the screen and one on something else. Twitter and Pinterest are my bestest of friends right now and oh, how I love them.

My etsy orders are all up to date at last and I've listed some new little plates. I have a new idea for some special magic to add to the store but I think I have to wait until March before I'll have time to make it real. I've also learnt...have things ready before you list them.

I've also found that Reiki and I are supposed to work together for people as well as animals. In my spare minutes I've been playing with my 'front page' to reflect this change. Early days yet but I want to add much more as time goes on. The first step is to get out there and do it. Cash flow dictates my timetable with bigger projects so I have a portable couch and my insurance to cover before I'm really out there, but this will happen.

My extra day's work a week - with the Beagles of Lurve - is wonderful. It feels good to be outside doing the kennel work, keeping my body working hard while my brain takes the chance to get stuff in order. The second half of my time there is spent bathing and grooming and yes, okay, cuddling these lovely dogs. I finish, I run a couple of errands and then it's Evie's home time. The change in days I work at the office has thrown us all a bit and the question,"Wait...what day is it?" is bounced around the desks while we adjust. New rhythm is settling in though.

Through these minor changes Evie has been my priority. She's suddenly grown up a lot and with that development have come big questions about China and her birth family. Her understanding of her story has deepened - she's been told an age appropriate version of it since before she could talk -and with it has come a wave of grief. I'm not going to write about her feelings here but I can tell you mine were shaken when - as she sobbed and I rocked her to an "it's okay darling, it's okay" mamamantra - she looked at me and wailed,"But it's NOT okay Mum...its NOT okay." And no, it's not. So she reminded me of the underlying truth of our family, easily forgotten during these early innocent years, that adoption is built on profound loss. Adoption following (possibly enforced) abandonment...oy. Time for me to dust off my adoptive parent certificate (oh if only) and remember the full width of this path that we've chosen (and that she hasn't). I know our bond is strong and I think we've built strong, loving foundations around that original loss. I have healing tools that I can add to the mix and this, here in our own home, will be where they will be called on most.

Charlie spent a few days in Spain this month on a blogging gig that - I could feel his pain - also involved a large amount of birding. and just as his feet hit the ground he's off next week for two days training on a new fundraising job for the RSPB. It's half-term week so Evie has no school, Auntie has a new full-time job, Nana is not too well and already booked up with the cousins and we've been caught on the hop a bit. I foresee a bit of work-experience in charity marketing for a certain five year old. Thank goodness for an old-hippy-workplace.

So. Yes. Life! I feel as if I've been shifted into second gear after months of grinding along in first. I've found endless strength and support in Reiki, journey work, nature, family and friends to whom I owe many emails. I have so much that is precious in my life and looking after those things takes time and energy that sometimes perhaps I'd rather spend on something more about me-me-me and my personal path. Yes, life could be easier but it would be infinitely poorer too. These are the lessons for an introvert.

Are you as ready for Spring as I am?

x

Here I am. On my feet.

Those of you who read my (long since removed) post about things here at home will have been aware of the recent troubles we've had. The huge stresses we've been under.

As we reached literal breaking point I was shocked into some kind of out-of-body moment and given a new perspective. Every bone in my body was telling me, 'Run, run!' but thankfully I was able to see that my bones speak an ancient language learnt in different times. Times when yes, I was better off on my own. Always.

But now? Now is different. And the shock of the pain that was experienced by both of us was enough to crack me open. To reveal other ways of thinking.

I saw there was one thing I hadn't done. I hadn't turned breathed into the pull I was feeling in two directions. I was bracing against it and simply wanting to escape and find peace. What if, like a muscle stretches, I stretched my self? Stopped struggling, breathed and relaxed. How to do that? Well how about by finding more love? By breathing as much love into the situation as possible.

I breathed, I let the love in, I relaxed and the stretch and the peace came naturally. It was wonderful.

So we're good. Things feel good and I am reminded of many things that I had forgotten.

Then last night I heard that I'd got a job I really wanted. Not only is it a perfect fit for me but if I do a good job with it, I can replace the income we've been missing or at least return us to solvency. Being in that position makes me feel strong. It makes me realise that I had handed responsibility for my feelings of security to Charlie and although that was a mutually-agreed deal it wasn't a good one. Partly because circumstances had to change and partly because I need to be responsible for those feelings. Me. My independence is a central part of my personality but now I see that it doesn't need to come at the cost of partnership, friendship, love.

So a little job to earn some extra cash has already given me freedom and as it turns out, I think this will not be A Little Job after all.

Strength is not about opposition and defence. Power is not something that inevitably leads to abuse. I am strong when I have love in my life and my power is a force for good.

As for my lifelong dilemma...I think it may be possible to be both domesticated and wild. I'm going to give it my best shot.

Home

It may be that I'm operating on little sleep and a lot of cold but I think it's more likely that the September/October mood is having its usual effect of making me want to retreat from the world for a while. Sleep for six months. Seriously, if I had a shedload of money I'd take six months off and just stay home until March/April.

However, I have a child to settle into school, new routines to establish, a business to build up, a job to hold down and maybe other developments on the horizon. So withdrawal is not an option (and it probably wouldn't be good for me anyway) but I think I'm going to take a little blogging break here. I'm out of my soul-baring phase at least for the time being. I feel as if it's done me a wonderful amount of good and led me to where I am now - about to take a huge step into the outside world with Black Dog and reiki - and, alongside the work I did with Liz, it's lifted me out of a huge and comfy rut. Hurrah for blogging.

I'm putting things up at Little Black Dog but I think this place will be still for a while.

Thanks for reading. I'm on Facebook and Twitter so stay in touch and don't delete me from your reader just yet.

Jo

x

By the time she's finished 'testing' there's enough mix for maybe four little cakes.

I'm not paying this space the attention it deserves but I'm busy putting together things for Black Dog and getting myself moving with my sponsored 'more fit, less fat' drive. By the way, if I haven't thanked you already - and even if I have - a HUGE thank you to those who've sponsored me. I'm nearly halfway to my target and that is fantastic.

But yes, attention. Not paid. I'm once more in a position where I have more than one blog because I think Black Dog needs one but I don't want people who only know me through BD to be reading my more bizarre ramblings over here. And I'm not giving up this space because it's my online home and after years of blog-hopping I've finally managed to settle here and I don't want to give it up.

I've been letting thoughts about this drift through my head when there is space and all I could come up with so far is that maybe it could be even more 'Home'. And in my head I'm constantly carrying an image that came to me the other morning while I was thinking of a friend who lives several time zones away, but whose days start similarly to mine. I'd said to her in a an email:

I was up at 5.45 this morning while C and E slept on and it was still a little dark. The neighbours weren't up so it was absolutely silent apart from early birds.
I sorted the dogs and Casey out with food and cuddles, made some redbush and then went upstairs to the other part of the garden to let my chickens out and feed them...clean out their beds etc. It was soooo perfect. And I was thinking,'This baton is going to get passed to Tracie soon and she'll get up early and go through the same rituals (because they are rituals) and then some woman on the west coast will get up early and whisper to her dogs and blow kisses at her chickens...'.

And when I think of this I exhale.

It feels somehow honourable to be part of something simple and ancient. To still have that in our lives (alongside all the technology I also love). To be part of a circle of people stepping up to carry these tasks in loving hands until they get passed to someone else who will pass them on again and so it continues in a hoop of life, round and round the earth.

As I work on this body that I've taken for granted, neglected, polluted and held down with too much weight and too little love, I'm having moments of clarity about the way I treat my exterior world the same way.

That's where I am today.