shapeshifting

Starting the year with no resolutions and no plans for 2011 that I was prepared to sign in blood - that turned out to be a good thing. I had sunk low into my winter depression (by the way tweeters, check out the #whatstigma hashtag) and quietly thought that the best I could do was to get myself through January. Then - come February and imbolc, and Brigid bringing back the light, and spring festival and its sweeping away of bad luck from the previous twelve months (and 13 years of being nicotine-free!) - I'd come up with something to take me through to March.

It worked. I started off with some daily gratitude but found myself wondering to whom or what I was grateful. I don't have a deity to thank and what I mean when I talk about the Universe is something akin to intention, love, spirit and magic. So I stopped the gratitude and just quietly appreciated.

I have practiced Reiki in some way every day of January, bar two. Meditation, self-treatment, distant healings...a Reiki practitioner benefits from the flow whoever and whatever she's connecting to and I have. I hope this daily practice will continue. I'm aiming for another 28 days.

I got active and re-started my Couch to 5k runs. Not with huge success but I'm not giving up. It feels good and I found a couple of endorphins down the back of the sofa.

I hired a SAD light and it completely and utterly changed my brain. Seriously. I will never again go without a therapeutic light in winter.

Guest-posting for Susannah gave me a kick up the backside and suddenly I have all sorts of creative stuff going on. That has been one of the biggest boosts of all. The rediscovery of the very 'analogue' pencil and sketch pad has been a particular pleasure.

So 1/12 of 2011 has been okay. That's not to say there haven't been some shocking things happening in my personal world and the wider one, but I didn't hit bottom and stay there. I got through the worst month with some momentum to spare and that's all I asked of myself.

And you know what? I feel better than good. I feel proud of myself and what I've achieved. I'm feeling some fire, some inspiration. And in the slowness I have had space to feel supported by family, friends and the spirits that guide me.

Movement, necessarily small, saved me from stagnation, toxicity and the loss of light. My word for February: forward.

x

After confessing my new year overwhelm I felt like a bit of a loser. I know, the point was not to feel that way but still, I did. And it was a good thing. It made me step back and see that I've really been sliding into the gloom since the snow melted and I lost the big buzz I was undoubtedly getting from the bouncing light.

I have a serotonin issue. I know this and should be prepared. Migraine, PMS, seasonal depression..all serotonin stuff. I take a daily dose of an SSRI to help with that but at this time of year I need to either up my dose (and I don't want to do that) or take other action. So I decided, I may not be able to plan for a year but I can certainly come up with some ideas for the next month.

• Step one was to procure a lightbox. I didn't plan ahead and get one in October but that doesn't mean that the next two months have to be utter misery. Lightbox rental is an awesome option and hopefully mine will arrive tomorrow. Not as pretty or as natural as snow, but hey, way more practical.
• Step two is already underway and I'm doing daily Reiki meditations and self-treatment.
• Step three involves a hoop and finding somewhere to practice indoors because it's bloody cold outside. In our cottage the rooms are v. tiny and the ceilings v. low but I think I can do some basic hooping in the kitchen.
• Step four is making use of guided meditations. I have this book by Steven Farmer and really like the first two on the CD. For Reiki people, the Reiki Evolution meditations are very good.
• Step five is to cut back on the coffee. I'm going to try to limit my intake to two a day and the rest of the time I'll stick to redbush or - an old favourite from years back - white tea.

So nothing earth-shaking but strong, positive things that will help me move forward. I also really need to get this back on track because a barrel of personal issues and, dur, the lack of light in which to run around here in the Winter (we don't do streetlights out here) either before or after work, meant I completely missed my target. I was so very grateful for the donations made towards my fundraising for BCDH and I'm ready to gently get back to meeting my challenge.

I think that will do for now. I have something quite exciting lined up for March but I know anything could happen between then and now so I'll keep it under my woolly hat.

x

I've written about this elsewhere but I'm bringing it here too because it's important to me.

As if this wasn't bad enough, at the time she was thrown into the river she was halfway through birthing a litter of puppies. We can't know what happened to the ones already born; the ones who weren't were delivered stillborn by c-section after her rescue.

On her sweet face (and if you're one of those people who says Bull Terriers are ugly, please look again) there are bite scars. This may mean she had been used as a bait dog for a dog-fighting ring.

I've rubbed this soft nose and scratched her back. Seen her tail wag furiously and her paws do a little dance of anticipation when a familiar face approached. This turnaround is due to the care she's been given by Bath Cats and Dogs Home. They've renamed her Faith and I can't think of a better name for her.

BCDH cares for 3000 cats, dogs and other small animals a year and it costs them £3000 a day. They are remarkable people. I've been visiting the home for years and volunteered for them for a while before Evie came along. Their dedication and love for the animals in their charge is immense.

This little dog's story nearly broke my heart and made me determined to help in some way. At the same time, I've been trying to muster real motivation to shift the extra weight I'm carrying and regain my fitness.

So I've challenged myself to do two things:

1) Lose 25lbs by the end of the year. I've checked this out and it's safely doable.

2) Run 5k on the the morning of January 1st,  2011. Even with sluggish progress on Couch to 5K I can do this.

I'll be honest, this is going to be tough for me. It's only in recent years that I've had to worry about weight and fitness and worry (and eat) is about all I've done. I have a fairly active life but there's been no aerobic exercise for a looooong time. So I really need to do it and, with stories like the one above in my head, and the support of friends, knowing that I'm making positive things happen for me, for Faith and for others will keep me going.

I know times are tight, but if you can spare anything - and I mean anything - please consider sponsoring me at www.justgiving.com/johanlonmoores . If you were at BCDH right now, would you buy an animal carer who works 7 days a week on minimum wage a cup of coffee and tell her to put her feet up for ten minutes? Well now's your chance.

Non-UK residents can sponsor through the site too.

Thank you and I'll keep you posted on my progress.