shapeshifting

Yes already. I know. I know there are things that I need to let go. I know there is a degree of toxicity to my emotional/mental/physical system. I realise that I need more water moving through me - I've dropped the ball on that one.

But enough with the sledgehammer symbolism. I get it. Can we please have our drainage system back? Kthxbai.

Oh and...respect.

I love getting up early. Before Evie is awake. I let out the dogs and cat, then feed them. Make two cups of tea - one builder's, one redbush. Let out the chickens (moth trap allowing) and spend a few minutes outside listening to the birds and smelling the green-ness of the new day.

The chickens, they have charmed me. I was expecting them to be sweet and funny but oh my, they are such characters.

Not only do they do us the kindness of laying an egg each every day but they do a fair bit of gardening (ahem) and have become really comfortable around people. Open the front door and you're likely to find them sitting on the flagstones waiting for you, right there at your feet.

Sit in the summerhouse/shed and you'll soon have the company of at least one of them. I give them a little 'book, book' as I pass by in the garden and they always give me a response.

Love these chickens.

Idgie: Idgeridoo, Idgerooni

Best of all, Idgie likes a dust bath which she'll happily share with her sister. She can kick a stone the size of her head a good three feet across the lawn. Idgie is a goddess among hens because yes, she's all woman. She is a hen.

Ninny: Ninny the Ninja, The Ginja Ninja, Ninbut Ninbut

Oh Ninny. The Freedom Flighter. She's an escape artist whose relatively long legs stretch into a run just like Roadrunner's as she sprints towards the moth lamp of a morning, ready for the All You Can Eat buffet. She flies several times a day, even perching on the roof below Evie's bedroom window.

It is Ninny who will march into the summerhouse and demand that you find her a suitable place to lay an egg - which she may lay at 10am, at 5pm or not at all if she's not getting the right vibes. She'll out-crow the cockerel two doors down when he kicks off because grrls rool. While Idgie has her favourite places to kick and dig and peck, you'll find Ninny oh wait...you won't. Because she's behind the shed playing Nindiana Jones. 'Sploring and stuff. Because that's how she rolls.

Chooks. Awesome.

Full pictures here.

I can't remember who it was who started the idea that the Universe could be reached via Twitter - I think it was Sister Carrie - but the #dearUniverse hash tag has become very useful. And, y'know, why not?

My tongue was just slightly in my cheek with my thanks to the U - even though the aforementioned Sister Carrie tweeted that the U showed enormous common/universal sense in not granting me the faux cream leather when I have a 4 year old and a cupboard full of marker pens. Instead we have a very attractive dark blue fabric. Nice. I decided to decide it was a gift to me from the U and accepted it gleefully.

This evening, after all was set up and cosy, we settled in the kitchen. The heater had been mysteriously turned off in the living room (it charges overnight and so won't be warm again until tomorrow) so for once, Charlie gritted his dog-loathing teeth and joined us downstairs. We have one room on each of four floors with a nice, big kitchen on the ground floor where the dogs live when they're not charging around fields.

For a while, he and Evie shared the sofa while he blogged and she chattered. I sat at the table and listened and helped draw SpongeBob and Patrick.

After she was safely tucked up in bed asleep I came back downstairs to the kitchen. I curled up on the new sofa with The Secret Life of Bees (which I finished and loved) and drifted off to the world of the Daughters of Mary.

Then at one point, possibly stopping to think about getting some chocolate from the fridge, I looked up and saw Charlie sitting on the floor next to the sofa, back against the heater, laptop on his outstretched legs. Between him and the sofa, near his feet, sat Jackson, either rapt in thoughts or zoned out (yep, the latter gets my vote too). On Charlie's other side, eyes fixed firmly on me, lay Nellie. As my eyes met hers she jumped up and lay on my feet.

This may not sound extraordinary to you but trust me, it was. My dog-loving ways are anathema to Charlie. He loathes the two (three if you count the cat, and you should) animals who have been with me for years longer than he has. Does not understand the love I feel for them. Avoids them as much as is possible.

It's okay. If he was a dog-lover I may have to kill him for being too perfect. Every mill needs its grist, right? As long as that grist doesn't hurt anyone, two-footed or four. I've got used to having the grand canyon wind its way through my heart with Charlie and the animals on separate sides. Evie flies between both with such grace and passion that it kind of heals the gash.

I don't expect it to become a regular occurrence. I doubt it will ever happen again, but for a moment there, I saw that the sofa really was a gift from the U. For a moment there, my life was perfect and how many people ever get to have that? 

Today I was given a dream evening at a time when I really needed it. Maybe the Universe, maybe a stranger's generosity, maybe both. I'll take it and go off to bed with a big smile on my face.

Happy Tuesday.

Where was I? Sleep. Lack of etc.Thanks so much for your kind and supportive comments, both on here and by email. We’ve been doing better. Evie has a little bed at the side of ours and falls asleep most nights after 3 stories and a cuddle. This is a huge improvement and clearly a lot of her problems are anxiety-based. She was getting cuddles and stories before but in her own bed, in her own room which is now on a different floor from ours. We have another couple of things to add to the mix to help her stay asleep because that’s not happening yet and maybe they’ll reward us all with some good nights.<o:p></o:p> But yes, it’s way better. Evie is back to being her good sweet self most of the time and that’s marvellous. Sadly I’m still crabby as hell by the afternoon but I’m working on it.<o:p>
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Sleep was my Mondo Beyondo List #2. Once I’d gone some way to achieving that particular dream I found I was thinking very differently about that original list. Although Andrea said, “Hey don’t you go changing that list and cutting stuff out!” of course I did. I already had. In fact, true to my ongoing ‘but I have everything I need’ thoughts, I wanted to discard the whole thing and just stop wanting and dreaming and thinking of what ifs and the future and alternatives and Other Lives. Good grief, I have a really nice life already. Why not simply enjoy that? Wasn’t all this just creating an atmosphere of dissatisfaction and want and the grass is always greenerness? And wasn’t it all just hideously self-indulgent anyway? Who has the time for all this self-absorption? I don’t. I just get frustrated and resentful because I have no time to think about myself. HA. Stop it and suddenly I’m happy. Magic!<o:p></o:p>

About this time Pij appeared. That’s Pij on the banner. A homing pigeon who had lost her way, been blown off course, or just got too tired to go on. She came to live on our little commune of three cottages for a while and I became obsessed. Obsessed I tell you. I was feeding her, watering her, watching her, trying to prove to her I was harmless. Despite being able to read her ring ID number, I couldn’t report her to the relevant association because they don’t want to know unless the bird is contained. I read stories of how stray homing pigeons are often culled because clearly they’re no good at their job. So Pij stayed free.<o:p></o:p>

While gazing out of our bedroom window across the roofs and waiting for Pij to come in to feed in our somewhat neglected and overgrown kitchen garden (the grass/weed cover had grown back and the cracks in the cobbles were also full of weeds again after my marathon clearing session a few weeks ago.) I suddenly saw what I wanted to do with the area. It’s only small but very lovely and has a 15’ x 8’ bed in it that was used as a veg patch. I told myself that I was unlikely ever actually to grow vegetables and if I did, I could do it on a patch in the manor’s walled kitchen garden. Instead I’d fence off the bed from the dogs and cat, fill it with beautiful plants for bees, butterflies and other garden life, keep (and add to?) the bird feeders out there and generally make it a little tiny patch of loveliness. The surrounding grass is improving as I keep it short; the cobbles and steps and wall are beautiful anyway and with some carefully arranged containers...nice. I worked hard for two or three days in unseasonably hot weather. It was glorious.<o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>I found myself sitting with Pij and seeing her visit as a sign. She’d got too tired to keep racing. She stopped in a restful, beautiful place and decided to stay a while. Get her strength up. She’d got lost on her journey and needed simply to stop, reassess and then head for home again. I began to think that this was what I was doing. Not giving up on the journey, just seeing clearly that the first step was to rest, relax and rediscover my bearings. She stayed for about two weeks and then disappeared. <o:p></o:p>

I’m still resting. I dream about Pij and about deer. Sitting like a statue while Pij ate at my feet and got her direction back. I associate deer with sitting in the woods; again quiet, still, hand extended, waiting for them to come to you. So that’s what I’m doing with my List O’Dreams. Sitting still. Waiting for it to come to me instead of chasing my tail the whole time looking for something I can’t name or identify. Being open to possibility including the one that says everything I need is already here.<o:p></o:p>

Meantime I’ve done the MB Core Values lesson. This gives you a quick, enjoyable and very doable way to identify your values are and from there, you can use them as an emotional/spiritual navigational aid. It sounds like an obvious thing that we do all the time but I think I’d lost touch. I came up with 5 words. No messing, no obsessing, just did it. They’re simple but powerful for me and already I’m looking at tasks, relationships and ideas with these values to the fore. I like it. <o:p></o:p>

Reading through the MB materials I found Jen and Andrea talking about stages. I’ve been following the MB path pretty closely it seems. I’ve dropped dreams, I’ve rebelled against the whole idea – mostly in fear (that’s a whole other post), I’ve learned the value of looking after myself and not pushing too hard to control what the Universe has available for me and I’ve mentally and physically made a clearing. Clearing is good.<o:p></o:p>

I just noticed that on the original MB List I wrote ‘create a beautiful garden’.<o:p></o:p>

Well, well, well.<o:p></o:p>

I knew that when we moved, my life would change. I'm good at expecting change. Change was once my middle name. What I'm less good at is predicting exactly what form that change might take and so, this is where I find myself still adjusting to a new life because that's what it is: not just a new house, but a new life.

Being in our new home and surroundings is having a profound effect on me. As I drive down the lane towards the cottage and then, more markedly, as I walk through the garden gate  I feel physical change. Every single time. For a start my shoulders drop an inch or six. I breathe more deeply. My body relaxes as it feels the embrace of 'green' - the garden, the trees, the butterflies, birds and grazing horses.

While our Aussie family were visiting we had what seems to have been our summer. All ten days of it. We stopped looking at clocks and calendars and just went with the flow. The kids slept when they were tired and so did we. We ate outside at 10pm (which may be normal where you are but for an Englishwoman it's a rare treat) in awe of the beauty around us; we went for long walks mid-evening that went everywhere and nowhere but always home; we watched our world and each other and not the television.

Or the laptop screen.

And it was wonderful.

Of course it's usually wonderful to be on holiday and re-entry is always hard. But life doesn't stay in holiday mode even when you get to stay in the holiday cottage as we have. I know much of what I'm experiencing is just re-entry  and it's not a negative feeling, it's just very distracting. And it's making me wonder how much of that other life I can incorporate into every day. I think the answer is,"A lot". I think the feeling I get when I get home is more than existential endorphins, I think it's me being told,"Look what you have, feel how it feels, take it with you wherever you go and whatever you do."

So that's what I'm going to try.

I mentioned earlier that not being on the internet was lovely and it was BUT, I also know that I really heart the internet and the lovely people I know out there (oh and particularly you...over there...yes you). I know that, especially once the year's rolled on and the nights have rolled in I'll be running back to my trusty laptop. So why desert it now? Why not find a way to work it in to my new improved life? After all, I have photographic and blogging ambitions to enthusiastically pursue and they need the internet and blogs and online stores and Twitter and all those goodies (I'm really not liking Facebook at the moment so I'll hold off on that).

So no "That's it! I'm off to have a Real Life in the country!" for me. No sir. Because the internet is part of my real life. It IS real life. However, the way I run my life - or indeed the absence of a way of running my life - is going to change. Suddenly I have way more to do and what seems like less time in which to do it. I need to get my act together.

I love this blog design because it's just right for where I'm going. I love my plans and dreams because they fit right into this environment. It's all good. Just a little new and yes, overwhelming at times. In a lucky, abundant, gratitude-inspiring, deep breaths, throw back your head and laugh kind of way.

Do you do this? Have some Very Important Things to be thinking about but instead find yourself obsessing about something utterly trivial?

For example, as you will be well aware (and I promise, the 'oh I'm so tired/busy/lucky because I'm moving' posts are mostly over), we're moving and we have Twinny coming to stay. In two sleeps.

Both houses are in extreme chaos, neither is really habitable and we've reached the stage where we can do no more. We just need to wait until the end of the month and leap; while carrying various kitchen appliances, soft furnishings, beds and stuff.

And yet my mind seems fixated on one thing. The thing that - if I were to have time to put together an inspiration board, or indeed know where the heck anything is so that I could make one - would be absolutely central to how I want the cottage to look when we're settled in.

So this morning I decided to hit etsy and find some pictures. Etsy....is down. Maintenance work. But...but...

I went to Folksy. I went to DaWanda. And in despair I went to Google images. and there I found something that wasn't quite perfect - it needs a smattering of red and turquoise - but still managed to ease my mind. Now maybe I can concentrate on real life. At least until I find the perfect shade of dove grey for the garden shed/studio.

ADDED: Etsy is back - I found this beauty at hangingorigami.