shapeshifting

Today we say goodbye to Eva. She's been with us for 10 days and we've fallen into a comfortable - if challenging - routine with the two girls.

Take one twin who is used to being an only child and another who has three big brothers and ask them to be sisters. Just as they're feeling their way into their own identity, face them with their double. Let them disappear off into their twinny world with all its games and in-jokes and battles and then...split them up. Put one on each side of the planet and tell them we don't know when they'll see each other again. This is the fourth time they've been split and it only gets harder for those of us who love them.

I wouldn't ever presume to know what's going through these fiery, perceptive, determined, passionate heads but yesterday, as I edited some pictures taken as we splashed in the stream, I noticed in a few that Evie is just quietly touching Eva. And my heart cracked.

But I remember that we didn't split them. We weren't responsible for them living half a world apart. Instead, thanks to the wonders of the internet, they are sisters and they've had the chance to grab each other's hands and run through a field together. As with all adoption, the definition of 'normal' is changed but is no less normal for those who live it. The family is no less real, there is no less love and day to day we make the same school lunches, wipe the same runny noses, read the same bedtime stories and bang the same heads against walls. Our heads. Our heads.

They've already made plans for living together and having a whole bunch of kids.

But no kissing. Eeeooo.

I owe you updates. I know. You don't care that I spent 13 hours gardening this weekend and that the terrace outside my kitchen now looks awesome; you want to know about twins and stuff.

The thing is, there's really not much to tell you. The girls met at our front door and the jet-lagged one in a  strange country looked a little bemused while the one who'd be bouncing around her own home in anticipation bounced some more, squealed a lot and gave big hugs. Then they ran upstairs together and that was it. See ya!

They have matching mannerisms, voices, laughs, energy levels (blimey), sense of humour, likes and dislikes.

Evie is slightly bigger than Eva - not just a smidge taller but bigger. Eva is more finely featured but the features are the same, if that makes sense. Evie is also the dominant personality. Just. We thought that might be a temporary thing but as the two weeks passed she kept the upper hand even if it didn't go unchallenged. She's also an only child whereas Eva has three older brothers and that showed up too. Evie can be a little madam sometimes while Eva has learnt that it gets you nowhere!

It was lovely to watch them play together, totally in tune with each other's imaginary worlds but also unburdened by any preconceptions about their relationship and what it should be. I mean, at 3 you have no idea about what's expected of twins: 'special' bonds, extreme empathy etc. They just got on very, very well. They were quite sensitive to each other's moods but little kids are, with their emotions close to the surface most of the time.

There were squabbles. Hooo yes. There was a knockdown, hair-pulling, fur-flying, screeching punch up in the restaurant at Avebury stone circle. Maybe that's why it was built - neolithic twins would come to sort out their differences there.

We discovered why - after much mocking of the phenomenon - parents of twins so often kit them out with matching everything. It's to avoid the constant,"But IIIIIIII want the pink one, it's not fair, that's myyyyyyy favourite...." S'easy, just get two of everything and let them got on with it.

We were lucky with our time together. We had gorgeous weather and we  got on famously and built the foundations of a true family bond between us all. For the girls of course, it's always been there on some level. As time goes on, no doubt it will get harder for them to be apart and for us to see them being apart but we feel good about the connection so far. We've webcammed since and we email regularly and there's always the good old telephone. The girls know each other. They know they have a sister and they know where she is and they know they really like each other. They know they can talk whenever they want.

The parting was harder for the mamas than it was for the girls who were just psyched up after a car ride and then running around an airport. Eva went home to her brothers and Evie came home to her cousin and gaps were filled. Evie talks about Eva, at least in passing, most days. She's also hung on to a little Australian intonation that has me whirling on the spot because she's channeling Eva.

I miss Eva's mum. She's an astounding, inspiring person, a great cook, a wonderful mother and A Right Laugh. She's Australian. 'Nuff said.

The shock of seeing them together, for the parents, wasn't there. We've done the shock and it was seismic at the time but the ground took new shape and we're settled. I'd wondered how I might feel towards Eva but as much as I love her, she's not Evie and she's not my child. They are such individuals - as are all twins - that I will never know Eva the way I know Evie. We have (almost) no history together. Our hearts and bodies don't know each other the way Evie's and mine do. But, even beyond the obvious, I'm so [insert secular term for blessed] that I know her. So happy the girls know each other. So happy that for them and their families, for now, the situation is simply 'normal' and I'm struggling to find anything blogworthy about it.

How about a photo? Me and the Coolio Sisters in the Jazz Café, Bath, July 2009.

The internet: it's a wonderful thing, Baby.

I am still alive.
I am "strornery" happy.
I did almost forget my Typepad log-in.
I'm slowly warming up to a blog post.
In the meantime...my favourite girls ever who are, according to their DNA test results, 100% twins.*
Ya don't say :)

*
" Based upon the statistical analysis of the above data, it is
1,519,271,996,487,960.0 times more likely (or a 100.0% chance) that Evie
Xue *** ****** and Eva **** ** **** **** are full biological siblings versus
being not related at all."

So that's a yes then?

In the much anticipated England vs Australia Pub Challenge, the home team steals the prize when the Aussie team fails conclusively to handle that last pint of bitter.

No one is quite as hilarious to these two as, er, these two. This was about 20 minutes after their first (re) meeting. They chose to wear these hats (both Evie's) and haven't taken them off for long.

There are no words for today really. Not yet anyway. But it was fun, really fun. It's impossible to get a good photo of both th girls at once because they never stop moving and laughing the lovely, earthy cackle of a laugh that they share. At first the differences seemed strong but after about 30 minutes they just began to merge. Around 7pm we put them in the bath and for a minute I felt genuine panic because I could not tell, despite repeated searching of faces, which child was my daughter.

Here's a not-very-good picture. I have two weeks in which to perfect the shot!

 

Bonus shot

Okay, quick recap of the twin thing:

We adopted Evie in November 2006.

February 2007 I get an email from someone overseas saying they've just come back from Guangxi with their daughter, joined the SWI (Social Welfare Institute) group, looked at the photos on file and think our daughters look very similar. Do we want to see a picture?

I'm sceptical but know these things do happen and of course I say yes.

I cry as the referral photo of their daughter downloads. She looks exactly like our girl.

So a long distance relationship starts up. We share as much information as we have. We  scan photos, we send video, we use webcams. The likeness still makes my heart leap 2.5 years on even as they naturally change with their environments. It's not just the facial similarity, it's the same funny little run, the same distinctive laugh, the same intonation when they speak, the same phrases they use, the same names they give their toys...

What we know is that they were allegedly abandoned separately. A month apart. They both have estimated birth dates (three days apart) but one is likely to be more accurate than the other so we celebrate on that date. They were found in the same place (allegedly, but so were all the other babies ever adopted from this SWI). Their Chinese names are Snow and Ice. It was when we discovered this that I realised that the SWI staff also believed that the girls are twins. But Chinese adoption regs state that an SWI is not allowed to 'assume' twin status. If there is any doubt, or rather no proof, the children's papers must be submitted to the CCAA (China Centre of Adoption Affairs) separately. Because of this, we believe they were raised separately at the SWI. Two different rooms and different carers.

Despite this, the photos that both families received at adoption are of the same child. We know this because I blew them up and examined the very dust at their feet (CSI, watch out). The pictures are of the same child just frames apart. We don't know if it's Evie or Eva. Yeah. Eva. Who was called Evie until the little matter of a twin came along.

So Eva and her mum are coming to stay for two weeks later this month. Just as we move house! Can you imagine the chaos? It's going to be hilarious! Especially with these two characters. We're not entirely sure this sceptred isle is big enough for the both of them. We're finally going to do a DNA test - not because we have doubts but because we feel the girls will wonder why we didn't if we don't. (I will also admit to a degree of wanting to yell, 'In your FACE!' at some people even though they're not listening but then I'm petty like that.)

It's going to be a strange time for us all and most of all for these fabulous girls who, at 3 and a half, are bright as buttons and can grasp so much and know about their China Mummy's tummy but can't possibly understand what's about to happen for them both.  It's the most wonderful thing and yet it breaks my heart.

That's adoption. Twin or no twin.